It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
