There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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