I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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