Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
