Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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