I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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