Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
