Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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