Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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