so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
