I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
