i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
