Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize