The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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