I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
