I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
