he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
