Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
