They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My life is pants optional.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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