Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
