The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
