When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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