Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize