she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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