Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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