How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
