But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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