By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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