my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize