my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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