she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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