so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
