It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
third nipple confirmed
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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