What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
