I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
