So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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