Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
