hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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