bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
