It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
