matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize