That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
