please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
