why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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