There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
