In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Found the puke drawer
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
