You really coming over, don't trick.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
