He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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