It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
