Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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