We're facebook friends in real life
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just forgot I was standing up.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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