I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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