Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I would ride that face into the sunset
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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