Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
