Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
