You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
