I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
His hands were made for my vagina.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
