toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
