I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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