I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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