I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
