I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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