i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize