just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Found the puke drawer
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
