Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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